Pursuing God and Preparing to Fight

Following Jesus isn't easy.  I know I've heard this a million times, but you don't realize the truth behind those words until you're faced with their reality. It's almost like when you hear someone talk about how difficult marriage can be, but you don't realize it until you're there.  It's just hard sometimes.  And I'm not talking about personal persecution or anything like that.  I'm taking about the continual, and constant choice to put your faith in Jesus when everything is wrong in your world and He chooses to be silent.  When the God you love chooses to bring you into an ugly and unknown situation.  A situation that you may not come out on the other end and learn or grow from it.

I've been struggling a lot with the loss of our family.  The family Charlie and I won't get to raise.  The grandchildren my parents and Charlie's parents will never get to have.  I weep.  Sob.  Mourn for them.  For the children I will never get to know and who will most likely be raised by people I will never meet.  I don't understand God's plan in all of this, and when it comes to my health and my long-term outcome, He's silent.

I've been so frustrated with Him lately.  Why isn't He responding, why doesn't He save me?  Why is this just getting harder and harder?  So I decided to ask Him.  A few weeks ago, I was walking the dog and crying over our situation. I was talking to Jesus, begging for a response.

Me: "Jesus.  You are taking everything away from me.  My family. My marriage. My children.  Our finances. My future."
Jesus: "I am enough."

And you know what?  I wish.  Wish.  I could tell you that when I heard His voice say those words that I immediately accepted them.  That I agreed with Him and felt comfort in those words.  But I didn't.  I told Him I wanted more.  That He wasn't enough.  The truth is I wanted Him AND I wanted my health back along with my comfortable and normal life.

When Jesus was in the garden before His cruxifiction, He was pleading and begging with His Father for any other way.  And yet, when the Father responded with a "no", Jesus still obeyed.  He went forward knowing how terrible the road ahead was going to be, how miserable and unbearable his death would become.  And yet, He still did it.  He died for me and for you.  All of us.

And then for me to look at Him and say, "Ya know what, Jesus.  That's cool that you died for me, but I still want more."  Gut check.  Who do you think has the issue now?  Me or Jesus?

There is a battle going on in my life right now, and it's more than a battle or a "fight" for my health.  There is a battle that Satan is trying to win.  To overcome.  A few weeks ago, Charlie and I got what we thought was yet another bout of bad news.  My most recent CT scan results came back and the radiologist thought the cancer was growing, that the meds weren't working.  Leading up to that point, hundreds of people had been praying alongside Charlie and I asking God for the drugs to work, and then they weren't.

I remember getting ready to leave the house, crying as I put on my makeup, crying as I got in my car, and crying as I left our drive.  As I was leaving, a thought popped into my head.  "Megan, why do you keep following a god who doesn't love you?  Who can't save you?"  The questions were strong and resonating deep with my emotions and heartbreak.  For a second, I almost gave in.

But right then and there, something else happened.  A fire, anger almost (maybe it's my competitive stubborness, I'm not sure), but I made a decision.  I promised God, no matter the outcome, no matter what happens moving forward, that I WAS GOING TO CHOOSE HIM.  I am going to praise Him.  I am going to fight the negative thoughts and the doubts.  I am going to pursue Jesus and a deeper relationship with Him.   Satan will have to kill me before I stop singing God's praises or spreading the good news about Jesus.  And with all of the fear pushed aside, in my head I told Satan to "bring it".   I won't give in.

Terrifying words if you really think about it.  I know.  However, my goal while on this earth is not to educate others about breast cancer, or how to prevent this disease, but to tell more people about Jesus.

Health wise, we still aren't 100% sure if the meds are working.  My most recent CT scan still showed more cancer than what we originally saw from my July scan, but my tumor markers are still going down.  I started with a tumor marker of 72, then it dropped to 47, then to a 37.  (A normal human is around 35.)  The remaining tumors seem to be stable, and there seems to be some potential shrinkage in the main tumor in my liver.  But we honestly don't know.  For now, Charlie and I are BEYOND grateful and happy I get to stay on my oral meds until January. Giving us at least one more normal Christmas and holiday season.

I also completed ten rounds of radiation on my sternum to hopefully get rid of the pain caused by the cancer.  So far, the pain is almost gone entirely. Let's hope the cancer is gone there too.

How can you help?

• Prayers honestly are the best way right now to help.  I know they help keep us strong when we don't have the strength.  The outpouring of love and generosity from so many has left Charlie and I speechless time after time.  Truly.  We are loved and blessed beyond measure.  So thank you to everyone who continues to pray, and help us on our behalf.  
• I have an amazing group of people helping throw us a benefit, and if you want to attend, I truly think it's going to be an amazing evening.  I recently quit my job simply because managing my health and working full-time was no longer something I could handle.  And while we are beyond blessed financially with Charlie's job, we have massive amounts of health bills looming over our heads that we continue to fight.  If you want to attend, more information about the benefit can be found here: https://www.facebook.com/events/754312994751915/.  

And remember:

Learning to find God, Love, and Hope in Misery

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11

I was all alone in my kitchen, sobbing, praying, calling out and begging Him to take this from me. Every ounce of my being wanted this to go away, for it all be a bad dream.  I wanted to flee, hide, have it all just disappear.  And through my tears, He responded.

Jesus: "Megan, will you do this if it will bring one more person to Me?"
Me: "Jesus.  I don't want to."
Jesus: "But Megan, will you?"
Me: "Yes."
And in that moment, I had peace.

Oh!  We were so close to being done.  So close to putting our cancer journey behind us and moving on.  Charlie and I had scheduled my LAST reconstruction surgery for July 26, 2017, almost three years after I was first diagnosed with stage 3A breast cancer in October 2014.  We were so happy, and we began the process for an exciting new chapter in our life.

On June 1, I stopped taking my Tamoxifen so Charlie and I could begin the process of having our own baby.  The plan was to have the embryo transfer while I was on FMLA from my surgery to prevent the loss of any more time away from work.  We had made our trip to Northwestern to begin the process, our embryos were sent down from storage, my oncologist had given me the green light, and we had a plan in place.  We were prepped and so excited!  If everything went as planned, we were going to be pregnant by August 9th!  The verse above was ringing true in our ears and we couldn't wait!

During this time, Charlie and I had also started regularly exercising again.  While working out though, I began to experience some intense pain in my sternum.  It was pretty consistent, and got worse when working out.  I was almost positive it was connected to my surgery I had in December, but my surgeon was convinced it had nothing to do with my surgery.  So, I scheduled an appointment with my local doctor for an X-Ray.  Everything came back normal.  But, no one called me to follow-up or suggest anything further.  Because we were in the process of having a baby, I was meeting fairly regularly with my oncologist, and I mentioned the pain to her in passing.  She wasn't worried, but scheduled a bone scan just to be safe.  The bone scan was complete, and at the end of the scan, the nurse looked at me and said, "Good luck, sweetie."  Deep down, I knew at that exact moment what was happening.

A few days later, Charlie and I left to go to Missouri to celebrate my 30th birthday.  July 7, in my Carle health account, the test results showed what we all feared.  Bone metastasis.  Happy Birthday.  We got back from our trip, and I immediately called the hospital because no one had talked to us at that point.  We needed a CT scan to confirm the diagnosis, but my oncologist was on vacation and it was going to be another week or so before we could get in.  With the help of an amazing and generous friend, Monday, July 10 we got our CT scan, and confirmed that the cancer had metastasized to my bones. A series of other tests would show that it was also in my liver.

Wait.  What?  Ummmm......Jesus.  Did you forget? Charlie and I have already done this.  We have already gone through some major trials.  We weren't supposed to have this come back.  We were supposed to beat this.  We praised YOUR name throughout all of the struggles from the first diagnosis.  We loved you, we gave you all the glory to your name, we sought and trusted in your healing hands.  And we didn't do it half-heartidly.  We truly loved Him and praised His name and trusted him throughout the entire process.  We grew, we learned.  What the heck was happening?  I'm only 30 years old.  Charlie and I have only been married 5 years, and 3 of them have been in and out of the hospital because of cancer.  I am super healthy.  I eat right, I exercise, and cancer doesn't run in my family.  I can't be dying from this disease.  No.  We were supposed to be done, and having a baby.  This wasn't happening.  But it was.

Charlie and I were heartbroken.  We were numb, paralyzed almost.  I lost 8 lbs. in less than 3 days from stress.  I cried non-stop.  I truly and deeply asked myself if I fully believed in Heaven and the God I have served all of my life.  Are you real?  And if You are, where are you?  I mourned the loss of the life I thought we were going to have, of growing old with my husband, of our children we would never have the opportunity to raise.  I mourned for my family, for the loss they will suffer and endure.  The pain I was going to inflict on them was almost too much for me to handle.  I struggled with enduring this long and painful death that lays before me.  I became envious and jealous of anyone older than 50, why can't that be my life?

However, during this time, God's goodness continued to shine through.  (I doubt it a lot, and I still question His plan daily.)  Charlie and I, along with my family and friends, asked everyone and anyone we knew to pray.  Pray for a miracle, pray that God would save me from this disease. Pray for wisdom, and guidance as we began this process yet again.

He is in this. Even in the suffering and the pain, He is here.  Through some crazy connections, and some of the most amazing friends a girl could ask for, Charlie and I were able to see the leading oncologist in the country for my specific type of breast cancer.  This shouldn't have happened.  Normally, you have to submit your case to Mayo, they review it, and then see if they will accept you or allow you to come for an appointment.  Even if they approve your case, the leading oncologist I get to see is booked for weeks on end and I probably would have never gotten to see him.  As soon as he heard about my case, he was ready to see me the next day.  So, that's what we did.  Charlie and I didn't feel comfortable with the recommended plan of care from Carle, so we drove 7 hours to Mayo in Rochester, MN on Tuesday, July 25.  My appointment was the next day.

We met with the oncologist, he laid out a plan of action we felt fairly positive would work, and then suggested we remove my ovaries immediately. (My cancer feeds off of estrogen, so we needed to remove as much estrogen as possible.) Charlie and I had planned on going home after our initial appointment, but the surgeon was free that next day to perform the needed surgery if we wanted.  So, of course, that next morning I had a full ovariectomy (my ovaries and tubes were fully removed from my body).  After I woke up from surgery, Charlie drove us 7 hours home.  (I have THE BEST husband in the world.)

Now that we are home, we are going to continue to kill as much estrogen in my body as possible to hopefully starve the cancer cells.  If this plan of action works, it can work on average for around 30-35 months.  If it doesn't work, we will need to look at alternative treatments.

Once you're diagnosed with metastatic cancer, there is no cure.  What happens when you're diagnosed with metastatic cancer, doctors look for various treatments that will prolong your life for as long as possible, while maintaining the highest quality of life.  You have "lines" of treatment.  So I will start line one of treatment (removing the estrogen from my body), and then when that stops working, I will start a new line of treatment (line two), and so forth and so forth.  I will be in some type of cancer treatment (endocrine therapy, chemo, radiation, etc.) until the day I die.  For now, I am beyond grateful I can avoid chemo for potentially a few more years, Lord willing.

While there is no cure, there is however hope.  Hope that I will go into long-term remission (this is a possibility, less than 5% chance, but a possibility), hope that a cure will be found before my life is over on this earth, hope that God will provide a miracle and heal my body, and hope in knowing that if and when I die, I will go to Heaven and my suffering will end.  However, hope is scary.  You can hope and pray for one thing, and God can have a totally different plan.  Ultimately, His plan will always be better than our own, but it's scary and hard not knowing what that is.  Especially for people like me who like to plan out their lives.  I like to have goals.  I enjoy knowing potential and practical outcomes.  This is scary.

I don't know what our future holds, and I pray for a miracle.  We will continue to pray for a miracle.  I do know however that prayer is powerful and it's working.  Most, when they are faced with this situation go into a deep depression.  The Lord has spared me of this currently.  The pain in my sternum has decreased drastically, to a point where I almost don't feel it anymore.  Charlie and I are continually surrounded by an army of people who lift us up when we don't have the strength to do it ourselves.   We are able to continue only through the strength of our amazing friends and family.

Amongst the tears, the screams, the fear, the suffering, and outcries, He continues to whisper to me.  "I will restore you." He says, over and over again.  This is His promise to me.  Whether that is here on this earth, or in Heaven with him, I do not know.  But I pray that we will continue to praise and serve Him on this earth until the end of our days.

If you are praying, or if you want to join us in prayer, please pray for the following:

• That I would go into complete remission.  Pray for a full-miraculous healing. 
• That our story would bring glory to His name. 
• Strength for my husband and family.  This is probably a more difficult battle for them than it is for me.  
• Thank the Lord for all of the blessings He has already given us.  

Thank you.