Following Jesus isn't easy. I know I've heard this a million times, but you don't realize the truth behind those words until you're faced with their reality. It's almost like when you hear someone talk about how difficult marriage can be, but you don't realize it until you're there. It's just hard sometimes. And I'm not talking about personal persecution or anything like that. I'm taking about the continual, and constant choice to put your faith in Jesus when everything is wrong in your world and He chooses to be silent. When the God you love chooses to bring you into an ugly and unknown situation. A situation that you may not come out on the other end and learn or grow from it.
I've been struggling a lot with the loss of our family. The family Charlie and I won't get to raise. The grandchildren my parents and Charlie's parents will never get to have. I weep. Sob. Mourn for them. For the children I will never get to know and who will most likely be raised by people I will never meet. I don't understand God's plan in all of this, and when it comes to my health and my long-term outcome, He's silent.
I've been so frustrated with Him lately. Why isn't He responding, why doesn't He save me? Why is this just getting harder and harder? So I decided to ask Him. A few weeks ago, I was walking the dog and crying over our situation. I was talking to Jesus, begging for a response.
Me: "Jesus. You are taking everything away from me. My family. My marriage. My children. Our finances. My future."
Jesus: "I am enough."
And you know what? I wish. Wish. I could tell you that when I heard His voice say those words that I immediately accepted them. That I agreed with Him and felt comfort in those words. But I didn't. I told Him I wanted more. That He wasn't enough. The truth is I wanted Him AND I wanted my health back along with my comfortable and normal life.
When Jesus was in the garden before His cruxifiction, He was pleading and begging with His Father for any other way. And yet, when the Father responded with a "no", Jesus still obeyed. He went forward knowing how terrible the road ahead was going to be, how miserable and unbearable his death would become. And yet, He still did it. He died for me and for you. All of us.
And then for me to look at Him and say, "Ya know what, Jesus. That's cool that you died for me, but I still want more." Gut check. Who do you think has the issue now? Me or Jesus?
There is a battle going on in my life right now, and it's more than a battle or a "fight" for my health. There is a battle that Satan is trying to win. To overcome. A few weeks ago, Charlie and I got what we thought was yet another bout of bad news. My most recent CT scan results came back and the radiologist thought the cancer was growing, that the meds weren't working. Leading up to that point, hundreds of people had been praying alongside Charlie and I asking God for the drugs to work, and then they weren't.
I remember getting ready to leave the house, crying as I put on my makeup, crying as I got in my car, and crying as I left our drive. As I was leaving, a thought popped into my head. "Megan, why do you keep following a god who doesn't love you? Who can't save you?" The questions were strong and resonating deep with my emotions and heartbreak. For a second, I almost gave in.
But right then and there, something else happened. A fire, anger almost (maybe it's my competitive stubborness, I'm not sure), but I made a decision. I promised God, no matter the outcome, no matter what happens moving forward, that I WAS GOING TO CHOOSE HIM. I am going to praise Him. I am going to fight the negative thoughts and the doubts. I am going to pursue Jesus and a deeper relationship with Him. Satan will have to kill me before I stop singing God's praises or spreading the good news about Jesus. And with all of the fear pushed aside, in my head I told Satan to "bring it". I won't give in.
Terrifying words if you really think about it. I know. However, my goal while on this earth is not to educate others about breast cancer, or how to prevent this disease, but to tell more people about Jesus.
Health wise, we still aren't 100% sure if the meds are working. My most recent CT scan still showed more cancer than what we originally saw from my July scan, but my tumor markers are still going down. I started with a tumor marker of 72, then it dropped to 47, then to a 37. (A normal human is around 35.) The remaining tumors seem to be stable, and there seems to be some potential shrinkage in the main tumor in my liver. But we honestly don't know. For now, Charlie and I are BEYOND grateful and happy I get to stay on my oral meds until January. Giving us at least one more normal Christmas and holiday season.
I also completed ten rounds of radiation on my sternum to hopefully get rid of the pain caused by the cancer. So far, the pain is almost gone entirely. Let's hope the cancer is gone there too.
How can you help?
- Prayers honestly are the best way right now to help. I know they help keep us strong when we don't have the strength. The outpouring of love and generosity from so many has left Charlie and I speechless time after time. Truly. We are loved and blessed beyond measure. So thank you to everyone who continues to pray, and help us on our behalf.
- I have an amazing group of people helping throw us a benefit, and if you want to attend, I truly think it's going to be an amazing evening. I recently quit my job simply because managing my health and working full-time was no longer something I could handle. And while we are beyond blessed financially with Charlie's job, we have massive amounts of health bills looming over our heads that we continue to fight. If you want to attend, more information about the benefit can be found here: https://www.facebook.com/events/754312994751915/.