Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.
- 1 Corinthians 9:24
Chemo is nearing an end (yay!), and I've already planned a big celebration for this day! Once chemo is finished, I'll be starting radiation. I will have treatments every day (M-F), for six weeks. Treatments will be short, less than an hour, and the side effects should be minimal. (That's what the doctors say, the nurses tell a different story.) There is a small possibility I can cut this time down to four weeks and receive higher doses of radiation instead. For this I am hopeful.
Right now, chemo is boring and difficult. It's no longer a new part of our life, rather some what of the norm. My normal routine has become chemo on Wednesdays, and sick on the weekends. This is the hard part. This is the time that I'm tempted to stop. To go on without any more treatments and just be normal again. A constant state of feeling well on one day and miserable the next day for months takes a toll on someone in a way you don't expect, nor can you prepare for. I know this is a short time and I'm nearing the end, but some days it's really hard to continue. My body isn't the same and it never will be the same again. Some days you feel worn down, and other days I feel completely normal. Now its a mental struggle to continue.
Sadness is not how I feel. I actually still feel quite lucky. There are several patients who are receiving the same treatments I am and they are so tired and weak that just getting out of a chair without help is a struggle. Me on the other hand - I'm going on short runs and 5-6 mile hikes when I can. I know the Lord has provided in unfathomable ways I could have never expected, I know I am LOVED. There are people who don't have these blessings. But it's still so hard. I am six months in now, and I probably have a year left until everything will finally be "done".
I mentally tell myself I can do anything like I normally did, and then my body reminds me that I need to simmer down. Sleeping is difficult for me right now too. Night sweats and bloody noses wake me most nights as my body is going through early menopause. Charlie has been gone with work a lot right now too. And while I am beyond blessed and blown away by those who have stepped in to help while he is out, it's still hard not having him around. I will say however, that chemo has provided (well kind of forced) so many opportunities for me to just spend an afternoon with people that I love and care about. Time to just chat and catch up with them on their lives and for these opportunities I am forever grateful. I wouldn't trade these times for anything.
I am going to keep running this race, and I'm determined to continue running it well. Always remembering how blessed and lucky I really am. Lucky that I live during a time when modern medicine can fully heal me, lucky that I still get to have a normal life after this, lucky we were able to save my future children, lucky to have so many people love me, and lucky to have a Father who has protected me from depression and blessed me with a stubborn personality.
I have six more rounds of chemo left, radiation for six weeks, and two more breast surgeries to fix everything. Oh and my hair is kind of growing back! Little stubblies are there, I can feel them!! So that counts as growth. One for team Megan, zero for team chemo! Thank you everyone for all of your help, prayers, letters, cards, and support. With you all I can quickly and happily answer the question I get asked every week, "Are you suffering from any depression?" with a quick and solid "NO!". The nurses also love how many people I have brought with me to my visits. They love getting to know everyone and can easily see how much we are loved an supported. THANK YOU!! YOU. GUYS. ROCK!!
#noonefightsalone
What you can do:
- Pray for continued mental strength.
- Pray for Charlie and I's marriage, that we continue to support each other and we stay strong in our faith.
- Pray that this is the one and only time I have to deal with cancer and I have complete healing from the treatments.
If you want to come sit with me during a treatment, just let me know! I would love to spend time with you, catch up, and just see you! I go every Wednesday afternoon, 1:00 pm at Carle's Mills Breast Cancer Center. :)
